I follow an amazing trainer / dressage rider, Nahshon Cook, who from just reading his words, you know he is a very old soul. He is one of those people, where, everything that comes out of his mouth is an aha moment. Something that has stuck with me and I now have in the front of my mind every time I work with my horses and speak with people is, "you have to be willing to have a conversation with your self before you are able to have an honest conversation with the horse" (actually it was much, much longer than this, but this is the very summarized version!) So that got me thinking, what is the conversation I need to have with myself and how does that relate to the horse? Moreso, how does this relate to human conversations and what is going on with me.
First, the horse. I have been working with my youngster Henry, I am struggling for him to be away from me. I have been concentrating so hard on having a connection with my horses and letting them know I am a safe space and I want to listen to them and let them be heard. Building relationships with our equine friends take time and patience. So when a horse trusts you and wants to connect with you, wants to be with you, well, there is nothing quite like it. They are not being made to do it, they want to!! So, for me then to ask them to go away from me, trot around the round pen, move away from me, Henry was having none of it. He would look confused, leap about, just stand and look at me, pull away if I put him on the lunge line. I was pretty lost. So when Nahshon said this, I sat myself down and had a little chat with myself. Why didn't Henry want to do anything away from me? How was I going to get him to move away from me.... then I realised, actually, I didn't want him to move away from me, I wanted him to be connected with me. What if when he went away, he didn't come back? What if I lost that connection with him and couldn't get it back? Then, digging a little deeper, I wondered what this said about me. I am not a clingy person, not with other people, but I do need to be wanted. Something I have been working on is my own self worth. I don't always feel worthy if I am not doing something for someone, so I over load myself, over commit to things, burn myself out, then it is counterproductive, as I feel resentful that I don't have time for myself. I am working on the fact that if I say no to things it is not going to mean that the people around me are going to think any less of me. It is not going to mean they won't like me, that they won't want to hang out with me or more importantly be with me. Having boundaries is healthy, if I say no, I am enabling self care to ensure I have enough energy in my tank to be healthy and happy and therefore a better friend, wife, mother.
Going back to the horses, I love having my horses connected with me, but Henry, especially is on top of me the whole time. In my space, pushing me (literally), nibbling, even stepping on my feet because he is so close. He then leaps around, pushing his boundaries with me, because I am not asking him to move into his own space. He is literally walking all over me! So, after having this little chat with myself, I decided to have Henry off the lead line in the round pen and see how it went. I am not very confident using any aid in the round pen, I didn't want to carry a stick as I personally feel that it interrupts the flow between myself and the horse....or does it. Actually, it comes between us, again, this is a boundary thing. My not using an aid and having the horse join me, means it is pure. I want to be able to just use my energy asking him to work away from me. However, this was not working. So I picked up a schooling whip and just tried it, using it to outline my boundary area, so he didn't come in and wasn't on top of me when I was asking anything from him. It worked! It just gave me that extension of myself, so when he stopped or started to come into me, I could increase my energy with my body, but also I was able to increase that space around me with the stick. Henry definitely pushed back over this and we had a few fun sessions. I used it to create a little pressure, so he was away from me, but as soon as he moved away, I would release the pressure and let him regulate himself. Once we got into the flow of it, it has been working quite well. Henry gets very overwhelmed, very quickly, so timing for him is crucial. As soon as I can see him becoming overwhelmed, I stop, drop my energy right down, ask him to stop and we both take a deep breath. He usually stops completely and needs a few minutes to release (come back to the parasympathetic) and then he is ready to go again. Before using the aid, I would put my hand out and my horses then know to come in and sniff and connect with me. Holding the aid, Henry was hesitant to do this. What affect did this have on me? Me going to a place of lost connection with him, that he didn't trust me, he didn't want to be with me. However, I would take a breath and see where I felt it, in my stomach, in my heart, we were still connected, but I had introduced something new to our relationship, a new boundary and we had to reconnect over that new boundary. After a few sessions, I offered my hand, with the stick resting in my other hand, visible to him, and he licked and chewed and came into me and wanted to connect. Soooo, again what does that say to me in my human life? I am safe to make these new boundaries around me, they may not be welcomed immediately, but if I stay authentic to myself and keep these boundaries in place, the people around me get used to them and they still want to be with me and actually they respect me more as a person for being authentic, consistent and truthful. I am a nicer person to be around, as I am not as burnt out and more relaxed.
Hmm, maybe there is something to this whole coaching with horses......
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