Again, time has flown by, I just read my last post about Cass and it almost doesn't seem right to be calling her my heart hurt horse. This girl has become a success story. Success in the way that she is totally comfortable with who she is and her boundaries is willing to give and accept. I truly believe we need to give our horses the time to heal, they need to be able to want to answer our questions that we ask of them and on their terms. I try and work with all my horses in this way. It is part of what I have been taught through the EFW program, something that has always been ingrained into me from a young age and something the horse appreciates, respects and feels like it has been listened to. I remember as a teen going to my friends house for the day and she had a new horse. It was out in the field and I asked if we could ride her. She said, yeah if we could catch and tack her up, but she didn't like it. So, I spent the next couple of hours in the field with the horse with tack and slowly put the saddle pad on, then the saddle and did the girth up hole by hole, slowly slowly. All after just hanging out and brushing. I got to ride that mare much to my friends surprise and it wasn't because I forced her to accept what I was asking, it was because I had a continuous conversation with the mare as to what was comfortable, did she like it and giving her space to think about it. It was the way I worked with all my horses.
So roll on a few years...... and here I am with my little herd now. Cass. One of the first times I realized we had opened up channels of communication was when it was sunny on Bowen and I was mucking out. Christine (the owner) and I were quietly mucking out side by side at the barn and Cass came over to the fence. I asked her if she would like to be brushed. I always offer and see what the answer is. She is so sensitive, she has to be in the mood and the right body space to want a brush on her. When she has her summer coat, you can feel how thin her coat and skin are. It is like velvet to the touch and a lot of the time, I just spend stroking her over her body to get rid of the dust and dirt rather than use a brush. I have a sheepskin glove that she likes sometimes, but she has to be in the mood. Anyway, this morning, she wanted brushing and she wanted every brush on her. She wanted all the itchy winter coat off her, she wanted the mud and skin off her legs. She wanted to be shiny with a body brush. She then stood whilst I picked through her tail, to it was tidy. I picked her feet out, oiled her feet. It was a definite spa day. After she had had enough, off she wandered. Christine just sighed and said it was such a beautiful thing to watch. She had come so far. I agreed and was so happy inside.
Fast forward to her coming to her new home on the Sunshine Coast. I was so worried she was going to be stressed that she was away from her herd mates, Edgar especially, as he just calmed her when she needed it. He would stand there for hours beside her in her pasture and just hold space for her to get her ducks in a row. To process whatever was coming up for her at that time. However, that dependency meant she didn't like to be away from him, didn't like not being about to see him, even when it was him coming in from the field after she was in her stall. So, as you can imagine, I was not looking forward to having her at our property with Bella and a few days later the minis as her only companions. Well, as usual, I got myself into a state I didn't need to be in. She came to the barn, we popped her in her stall (which was finished about ten minutes before she arrived) and she just munched on her hay. I was like, well OK, that was a bit of an anti climax, may as well let them out in the arena and see what they do. They had a gallop round, saw there was grass and got down to the very serious business of eating. Soooo that was that then!
So, funny thing, a couple of weeks later, Cass comes into season. Now, the first time she came into season when we were on Bowen it obviously brought up a lot of trauma for her. She was manic, full PTSD, it was horrible. I vowed then, I would never put her through being pregnant and having a baby. It was too much for her. However, this time was different, she was maternal, soft, she was nuzzling up to the minis. The poor minis were terrified, don't get me wrong, this 17.1 hh, 1400 lb Thoroughbred to their 400 lb, 42 inches. However, it was not a side I had seen to her. So, why is this relevant? It was a real turning point in her healing journey. I feel she had come to peace with her past and felt she was ready to take on her future and more importantly, felt safe, secure, trusting. It brought me to tears.
Over the next few months, Cass hung out in the arena and I was able to loose school for her for the first time since I got her, definitely without her trying to run me over in a frenzy of trying to run away. In fact, I had the opposite problem, my big feisty Thoroughbred would not move faster than walk. I put her on the lunge, same thing. She wasn't into it. I could feel it. She would trot beside me if I ran, but only if I joined in. Over the summer, she wanted to hang out. Would be around the stables as I mucked out, follow me around the pasture as I worked. She would be in the arena as I worked Henry. Will all the will in the world, I have tried to only have one horse in the arena at a time to work, but apparently it is a group thing, everyone needs to get in on the act, if my husband saw all three of them cantering around me, going in different directions, with me in the middle trying to ensure that my energy stays high enough, they know I am there, he would have a fit. Kind of fun though, knowing all my horses are so tuned in, they know where I am in time and space, probably not so much to anyone watching though, ha ha ha.
Come fall, and Cass's mood changed. She had been working, stepping up to therapy sessions, keeping out of Bella's way (they had a few run in's, well Bella would kick Cass and Cass wouldn't get out of the way quick enough). I could feel the sadness coming from Cass and could feel that she wasn't sure what her purpose was. I felt at a loss as to what she wanted. Then she came into season again and I could feel the yearning. She wanted a baby. No, that couldn't be right, as it has caused so much trauma. I had worked over the last year so hard to help her with this trauma and wouldn't a baby set her back? She would be so sad if the foal was weaned from her. I knew this was part of her sadness, that she has lost so many foals. But what if I didn't wean the baby, where on earth would it go? Our property is not big enough to wean in the traditional way. I spoke with my friend who had recently had a mare and foal, her thoughts were the same, she didn't wean the foal until he was ready. He is an awesome little guy. So, my good friend, who is the most amazing animal communicator stepped in. I asked Cass if she would like to have another baby and assured her that we wouldn't wean early and that the baby would stay with her until he / she was ready to be ridden, which in my world is five or six, when they are ready. (Henry is six and I feel maybe just about ready to ride now). So I asked my friend to have a session with her. Now for some who are reading this, you are thinking, erm, has she gone mad, how can communicate with an animal? It is much the same as we communicate with one another, but on a much deeper level. It is intuitive, you can feel it within your body and you may see what they see, what they want. You have to be really connected to yourself, to your surrounding, slip into meditation and be open. I always kind of know what my horses are telling me, even if it is through their body language, this hurts, I am not happy, I need more stimulation, I want a cuddle, I want to play. I am not quite there when it comes to the deeper level stuff, but I am getting there and working on it. Like everything else, it will come when it is ready.
So my friend had her chat with Cass and Cass lit up. YES, YES, she wanted a baby, yes she felt good in her body (I was wondering if she was in pain), and yes, she would do exercise in order to get in Baby Mama mode, which could be riding if I so wished. After the session was up, Cass asked my friend when the baby would be happening. She explained to Cass, that the vet would need to check she could still have a baby, as she was eighteen years old at that stage (now nineteen) and she was classed as an older mama. She said she understood. So, I got everything moving. My vet came out and examined her and yep, she had follicles and was good to go. We would need to plan who we wanted her to sire with and keep a track of her coming into season and plan for May 2023. I also took a course as part of my diploma for Guelph on Mares, Stallions and Foals. May as well scare myself silly of knowing everything that could go wrong through pregnancy, birth and the early days. It was great, I was with great classmates who had amazing knowledge and I made sure I lapped it all up.
I have chosen a sire, his name is Chicago, he is beautiful, but more importantly, he is his owners heart horse, he has the most beautiful temperament. That was secured for me the other day when I saw in loose in a paddock with a toddler feeding him blades of grass. Yep, this boy is baby daddy for sure! Now we wait. We have her inseminated in May 2023, we will be doing this through Artificial Insemination, because that is all Chicago offers, however, I had chosen this as it would be the least amount of trauma for Cass. That being said, the way she has behaved recently, I think she would be find with a live cover (my poor geldings are so done with her shoving her butt in their face all the time). So now we wait. I feel this is the closure that Cass needs, it completes her healing story, it allows her baby to reach the potential that was stolen from her. I will have a memory of her through her baby.
Cass is excited beyond measure, I can feel it from her every pore. I keep the conversation open. Soon Cass, soon. We have to be patient. She has lost all her winter coat, it is as if she is getting her body ready nice and early, so we can get going with the baby making. The exercise. I have had a saddle on her, but it triggers her, so it is not something I am rushing. She loose schools, we do a lot of in hand work together, we do pole work, I do a lot of Masterson with her, releasing her body where she needs it. I do stretching with her. I am not going to get on her until it feels so right and it doesn't. For the meantime, I will be reading a lot of pregnancy books for horses, I wish they did What To Expect When You Are Expecting for horses. Would be handy!!!
This journey with Cass has been so humbling for me. It has taught me so much that I have transferred into my own life, holding space, patience, quietness, the ability to really read body language, allow for a journey to happen when it happens. Not to rush anything. Each horse that comes into my life teaches me soooo much. I become quieter, softer, more patient, slower in my mind, my body. Maybe I also like to heal. I have loved walking this road with Cass and honestly if I could do this full time, I would. Not because it is satisfying to see the horse healed, because not every horse wants to be healed, but to offer myself to hold space to see if they would like to join the conversation and give them the opportunity to chat with me and maybe choose to be healed through love, trust and patience.
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