Tuesday, I lost a dear friend, mentor and client. Grief is a funny thing. It sneaks around you, slowly building up and then taking you unexpectedly. I was OK yesterday, even though I had been feeling the loss of life for days and my heart was literally aching, when told, I was OK. This morning, I woke up and still felt that ache, but also an empty space, a void. Today, was a quiet day, a day I didn't need to support clients, a day, I could have to myself. To be quiet, sit with this and allow my body to feel. Too often, we push through, do not allow ourselves to feel. It not comfortable to be uncomfortable. So we try to ignore our emotions, especially grief, as we do not know what to do with it, as it is so layered.
Karla MacLaren explains grief as in having no choice in letting go. It can include anger. Having something you value taken away, even by impersonal life circumstances is experiences emotionally as a boundary violation, the message behind this is that a significant loss or death has occurred, usually due to circumstances beyond your control., the questions that come out of these messages are what must be mourned? What must be memorialized, appreciated and / or celebrated? However the intensification of this emotion can be depression.
So today, I was at my laptop working away and suddenly it caught up with me and I could not stop crying. Our dog, Agatha was crying with me, she came over and put her head in my lap to try and comfort me, Ollie, our other dog, was there too, trying to make it better. I hugged both and allowed my tears to flow and took a moment and carried on. A couple of hours later, I went off to the horses to put everyone to bed, knowing it was going to be a quiet evening, as I did not have the emotional energy to do anything apart from enjoying the touch of the horses, quietly brushing them. I went in with the mini's first. So when working with my horses, I give them a choice. Do they want to be brushed, if so, where. Clyde is not keen, some days, he is quite happy to stand and have the brush over him, but other days not so much. Today was a no day. Lightening is quite shut down, so I can offer him choice, but he doesn't understand and just lets us get on with it. He will get there, but today, I ran a brush over him and then just needed to sit. I just wanted to be present with everyone, so I perched myself on the wall and breathed. Taking some breath in to fill my hurting heart. Lightening started releasing, big huge yawns and lots of licking and chewing, which is a allows them to come back to the parasympathetic and feel safe. Releasing for me and for them. He then came and stood with me, nuzzling me, putting his head on my shoulder and moving to my other shoulder, swapping like this and nuzzling my cheeks, getting as close to me as he could. Then he would step back and release by scratching his neck with his foot. Lots more licks and chews and yawns. When my tears finally stopped, he took a step back, but looked at me with his worried eyes. I left to carry on and brought Gramma in. Now, I already know that Gramma does not do grief. So, I had to dry my eyes and respect that she didn't need any of my sniveling.
Henry was waiting for me by his gate, but as soon as he saw me, rather than trying to mouth me as usual or shove his head in his headcollar to get in and get his hay, he rested his nose on my shoulder and then started to lick my face and head all over. Now Henry, likes to use his mouth to explore and can nip, but this was so gentle, so maternal, so nurturing. My little four year old boy was so upset that I was upset he was consoling me as much as he could. Once he felt I was OK, he gently put his head in his headcollar and came into his stable.
It amazes me again and again how intuitive our horses are. Lightening is shut down, but was still able to offer comfort to me, and I hope this has allowed him to release a little of his own story. He watched me whilst I worked around the yard, his eye on me the whole time. Henry and I are very connected energetically as I am working with him to back and ride him. I have given him all the time he needs to feel comfortable where he is at. The reward to me, is he gets me, he knows me, my energy and he wants to look after me. He knew my energy was so sad today and he took that role on to nurture and look after me.
I find it fascinating that each of my herd have their own special talent, can reach out to a person / myself depending on what I need / they need. We are built the same way I am sure, if we allow it to happen. However, today, I was very grateful to have that time with my herd, to allow them to support me when I was hurting and grieving and knowing it won't be the last time they will need to wipe my tears as they fall due to a loss, but find comfort that without judgement or wanting anything in return they will be my herd and love and support me.
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